To My Little Sister’s Future Boyfriend

so i have been watching a lot of spoken word poetry lately and i thought i would give it a go. so hey people, introducing Clarie’s first ever spoken word poem…drum rolls please. anyway, here we go.

hey kid, i know what you are thinking
you’ve hit the girlfriend jackpot!!
pretty face, an away father, no overprotective brothers in the horizon.
slow your role dude,
there is a diabolical big sister in the background.
oh, did i mention her dad owns a rifle?
well, has access to one, but what difference does that make?
i know you don’t believe me
but you haven’t seen me
and when you meet my crazy hair, daunting eyes
how rarely my lips curve into a smile
you better not have second thoughts
because most people find me disturbingly intimidating
and yes, i have made it my life’s mission to intimidate you.
so when i ask what your name is,
i wont be listening to count the syllables
or what accent the letters fall upon
i will be fast forwarding to a time
when she walks into my house shattered
and i hope she doesn’t utter that name
and when i ask what god you believe in
i won’t be interested in whatever deity you ascribe to
none will do just fine
but when i let her walk you down the street
hold her hand like you’d cling on to dear life
and pray to that being you mumbled as your god
that he gives you the patience to respect her
that your brain will understand her when she says no
that above everything, you’ll be her friend
her go-to guy with good news
the shoulders she’ll cry upon when life throws her sadness and disappointment
the chest she’ll trust to fall asleep on when she has nightmares.
for me, make an ally of me and you’ll have an accomplice for life
which i must warn you will be a difficult battle
but i just might let you win
and here’s how you do it,
if i ever hear you promise to treat her like a princess,
kid, build that goddamn castle.

yours truly,
Clarie.
PS; my name is assumed to mean clear or clarity. i hope this threat, i mean letter, was one of those things to you.

to my nine year old sister, Crystal. i love you with every cell in my being.

i believe

i believe if i knew where i was going i’d lose my way
i believe that the words he told you are not your grave
i know that we are not the weight of all our memories
i believe in the things that i am afraid to see

hold on
hold on

i believe in the lost possibilities you can’t see
and i believe the darkness reminds us where the light can be
i know that your heart is still beating, beating darling
i believe that you fell so you could land next to me

hold on
hold on

i believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
and i believe that your head is the only thing in your way
i wish you could see your scars turn into beauty
i believe that today it is okay not to be okay

hold on
hold on

cause i have been where you are before,
and i have felt the pain of losing who you are
and i have died so many times but i am still alive

this is not the end of me
this is the beginning
-Christina Perri-

gut over reason..

so today i choose to trust; to feel and to get hurt. to love even those people i have been told i should never  waste my sights on. to believe that they would never disappoint me. actually, i know they will but i want to give them the benefit of the doubt. to let the past stay there. i choose to give humanity a second chance, to see the good in people. to put myself out there and see just how badly i could get wounded. to smile at strangers and try to mean it when i say, ” nice to meet you”. but most importantly, i am sticking by those friends. the ones people just won’t understand how i get along with. the ones who will steal my airtime and not even have the decency to call me. the ones who will get on my nerves so bad i could throw them off a cliff. i am forgiving the ones who have let me me down, the ones who have gave the word betrayal a whole new meaning. but really, i am choosing to feel and maybe someday, i could get to say, ” i was here, i lived, i loved.” after all, you won’t find faith or hope down a telescope. or heart and soul in the stars. the only thing that really ever counts is what you did with what you felt. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go

to choose too look away
turn your back and never around
to lose the door and throw the keys
locking yourself in your pains
choosing to stumble in darkness
to hope to find your own light
to accept that a little pain is healthy
and a little distance is eye-opening.

to choose to put yourself first
to say no and pretend not to feel guilty about it
to hold back a helping hand
just once in a while, demand for something in return
a little respect, appreciation maybe
to look him in the eye and mean it when you say you don’t care.

to terminate all memories
trick your brain into believing you’ve forgotten
to wipe your tears and lie that’s its the last time you cry over bastards
deleting dutifully mastered contacts
to collect your wandering thoughts
redirecting them anywhere but to him
hysterically laugh yourself to sleep and yourself yourself that you’ll be stronger tomorrow.

to pick yourself and
to get things done and move forward
to force a smile and say, ” i am happy for you.”
waiting for time to validate that lie into the truth
to focus,or at least fixate on literally anything else
to tell yourself it hurts less even when it kills you
hoping against hope that someday it will be a distant memory.

to grow up a little
and love yourself more than him
to set that bar high
and settle for nothing else
to look before you fall
then fall with a little grace
and learn to take the joys and pains with a lot more maturity
for this too shall also pass.

i said it people, i did.

We all have annoying traits. Mine would be that I am finically proper. Actually, it doesn’t bother me. But it frustrates most people I know. But I guess what frustrates them the most is how I will go on and on about something I don’t like. Not that I give a hoot. And a lot of these people should not. If only they tried and saw a few things from my perspective.
1. Littering; every time I see people irresponsibly discarding stuff I have this urge to ask them, “who is your mother?” or “which school did you go to?” I mean, what is so hard about carrying that bag of crisps for kilometers, if need be, until you find a dustbin? Okay, I realize that sounds a little hectic, but I do it all the time and I am still alive!! You know I used to pick up my friend’s garbage every time they threw it anyhow until I realized that wasn’t helping issues. So one day, I noticed this guy drop a yoghurt can, I picked it up and walked up to him, handed it over and said, “I believe this is yours. How about you grow up a little and find a dustbin to put that in?” he did not take that nicely, but heck, that was my intention. So you’ve been warned, the next time I notice this sort of immaturity, I am going to ask you who your mother is. Knowing Kenyans, most of you won’t take that nicely. But relax, it means, “who raised you?” and you know come to think of it, if she didn’t teach you to put garbage in the right place, what else didn’t she do?? But the better question would be, if you didn’t learn to put garbage in the right place, what else didn’t you learn??

2. Courtesy; just yesterday, I was telling a friend that I hate it when people bump into me and don’t say sorry, or yell something like, “ look where you are going!!” how about you go where you are looking for a change? But it’s not just that. Why can’t we all say thank you, or please excuse me?? Now that I have mentioned it, if there is one thing Kenyans should learn is that “excuse” is not synonymous with “please excuse me” especially when the former is said in a spectacularly brief yet rude fashion. Simple courtesy will go a long way people.

3. Phone etiquette; so I misdialed some numbers and ended up calling you. Why on earth are you screaming at me? I have apologized for my mistake. What else do you want from me? And the other side of this same coin, you misdialed some numbers and called me. I have explained repeatedly that I am not Karanja from Karatina yet you still insist and even go as far as calling me rude, or something about forgetting my roots. Sure, my voice isn’t the softest of sopranos, but this I am sure about, I do not sound like a Karanja from Karatina. Would you please do both of us a favour and believe me when I say that?

4. Jumping queues; so I understand the rest of us look like idle clowns waiting in line for a chance to see the manager and entertain him. Maybe he could tip us, or better yet get us connections with the human resource guy of the circus that just opened in town. And yeah, you are the only one with pressing issues, but we got here first. So would you have the decency to go to the back of the line and wait for your turn? If anything, you look more dignified. Who knows, you might even inspire the rest of us clowns to hope to be like you someday.

5. Keeping time; I have mentioned before that I am not the best when it comes to social cues but this I know, 1.00pm means 1.00pm. Or at least it does to me. So please don’t waste my time. And if you are going to be late, would you please text or call to inform me? Or did you lose your phone together with your sense of time? And now that I said you should text or call. I did not say, you can lie to me. Telling me you are stuck in traffic when the good Lord knows you haven’t even left the house. It’s childish and annoying.

6. Texting: first, I hate it when people shorten their words while texting me. Why can’t we just write every word in full? Isn’t it more adult and mature? But that’s okay. I can stomach that. What I cannot handle is how people replace s with x. “xaxa, xema” what the hell? So I am a little dumb. And I may not remember a lot of the things I learnt in kindergarten. But I am sure I would remember if the teacher said we could replace s with X. Another thing would be the inappropriate use of smileys. I think it’s funny how people think a smiley at the end of every sentence makes everything so much better. For example, “you have a big head.” seriously, what the hell??

But then again, my friends say I have issues. Lots of them.

EVJ…

Esther Vushya Julius..

so i am going to use this name as an adjective, for as much as i try, i cannot seem to find an adjective that will aptly describe the friend you’ve been…and hopefully will remain.

Esther is for that graceful air, its been five years and i still cannot wrap my head around how you keep that up. how you hold so much in and not crumble down. how you look so different from the rest of us. but most astonishingly, how you love the emotional mess that i am. and yes, i said you love me.

Vushya is for your unique beauty and talent. how intelligent and skilled you are. how you stay so true to yourself amidst pressure to be so many different things.how you know what you want and just won’t settle for less, no matter how unrealistic the rest of us think it is. how you remind me to shoot for the stars. how you believe in me even at my dumbest. how, we just don’t do average. and i don’t say this often, but i am so proud of you..very proud of you.

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yeah, that’s Vushya..i could not have said it any better

 Julius as every surname represents is who you are and where you’re from. and to me, that’s pretty much friends and family. and that’s everyone that you are going to make so proud. i can’t wait for you to blow our minds away.

talk of goofiness
talk of goofiness

i am going to miss those…my impulsive side-kick, my partner in crime( as trite as that is), but most importantly, that one person who never gets tired of reminding me to eat. heaven knows i would starve if you weren’t around. and i have a feeling, i will be starving this coming semester.

and i am going to stop here, i am thoroughly drained off emotion. you have that effect on me. as short as this was, hope it gives you an idea of just how much you mean to me.

bye EVJ.

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And what is a Vushya package without a little Maya Angelou?? plus, its exactly what i hope you do.

conversations with my life

sometimes i wish that my life would consult me before it made some decisions. like today, it made me cry, and usually i don’t ask why because my life usually gives me ridiculous answers like, ” sometimes it is better not to know the answers.” but today i thought i deserved to know why and as expected, my life said the most outrageous thing ever; ” it is to make you stronger. to teach you valuable lessons.” i was so mad i wanted to tell my life that sometimes i don’t need lessons, and yeah, sometimes i am cool with being weak , but of course i bit my tongue because i did not want my life to think i was being immature and ungrateful. but all in all, i love my life, after all, we go way back. and in spite of its emotionally draining antics, i know my life has my best interests at heart. or so it claims.