On words I thought I would never say…

I was watching this comedy and there was this episode about words the characters just could not stand. My favorite was this guy who will flip and go nuts when he hears the word “spider.” I am told everyone has those words. For me it was these two words, “shut up.” I am yet to find anything that made me feel as horrible, unappreciated, belittled and disrespected as these two words. A slap would come close, not quite enough. Vushya will attest to how angry I got when she used those words on me. I would rather you use any synonymous phrase no matter how rude or offensive; just not “shut up.” I say was because I just realized I do not mind this phrase as much. I just told my roommate to shut the hell up because she has been speaking a lot of nonsense, and while I said it jokingly, I think I intended to say it with a more ferocious tone. And this got me spiraling down memory lane; down to those words I thought I would never utter; to words that I use with such ease these days, I am sure my dead grandmother, who adored me for my innocent air, looks and more so diction, turns in her grave and if possible chokes upon them as she is forced to listen to her corrupted granddaughter.
Top of that list is the vilest of curse words,”fuck.”(Some people would call it swearing. And while I would want to explain why I find this annoyingly dumb, I do not have a way of doing it without coming off as a racist, arrogant bitch, so I will just keep my opinions to myself.) I do not think a day goes by that I do not use this word. But in my defense, there are some reactions that can only be adequately captioned by this word. And I keep saying I will stop cursing, or at least stop using this word, but something always happens and I just end up throwing in the towel. Like the other day, I am in a bus, minding my own business when I overhear (did I say I was minding my own business?) a conversation between these two boys. So this guy is telling his friend that he cannot ask this girl out because she belongs to this specific tribe. And according to him, girls from this tribe are prostitutes as they will perform “wifely duties” to whoever promises the most amount of cash. In his words, they auction sex to the highest bidder. I don’t know the girl they were talking about, and even if this were true, this narrow-minded stereotyping rendered me motionless for a while, I could not conceal my steeling stare. So when my tongue finally regained its functions, I could only spit two words, “the fuck??”

The other word would be “bitch.” I hated this word. I still kind of do; it depends on the context. I certainly do not like it when a disgruntled ex- boyfriend calls his ex-girlfriend a bitch for whatever reason. I hate the way independent, opinionated women are called bitches. I hate the way any woman who is strong enough to voice her opinion and not conform to some subjugating standards is called a bitch. I hate the way so many boys have called me a bitch because I could not date them just a few weeks after we met. See, I take my time to feel anything for anyone and my favorite kind of boyfriends are the ones in my friend list. But I certainly did not hate this word one morning in a coffee shop some years back when I overheard these two women talking about this neighbour’s daughter who had been raped. So according to them she was obviously asking for it because she walks around in white school shirts and short games’ skirts. Let me explain how insanely callous this is. See, white school shirts are obviously see-throughs and if your bra collection is not entirely made up of black bras, one day, someone is going to see your bra through this school shirt. The other option would be to wear a black bra daily, and as far as I know, that is not a very healthy choice (something about breast cancer). And as far the short skirt goes, I can only say, the length is what makes it a games skirt. So as I left the coffee shop, I couldn’t help but think, “These women are stupid bitches.” Only, I said it out loud and so one of them called me disrespectful which made me go like,” you think!?”

I will admit though, this is one of those posts that I just wrote, no moral lessons intended, not very appealing to emotion. I just had the words to do it. So I think I should go the extra mile and help you see my point. Which is; our innocence is precious. Only life has a way of ensuring we lose it along this growing up highway. But take it from someone who has spent a very long time mourning my lost innocence, wishing I could go back to those days when I did not recognize sexual innuendo in a sentence even when it was in plain sight, losing it is not necessarily a bad thing. Or I could be justifying why I curse so much. Oh, well, whatever.

nights like these…

there are those days i am unable to sleep, like almost all nights. i am beginning to learn that it is impossible to sleep when your brain wanders as far as mine does. so those nights i just lay in bed, and go wherever my mind takes me. and i think, think and think some more until my head hurts and my eyes gets so tired, they begin to cry in protest.

nights like these i think about humanity;my humanity. i think i about those days my heart breaks because of how helpless i feel when i see that infant lying on the street next to his sick mother and i am unable to more than offer the coins in my pockets. and the other days that some kid walks up to me and asks me to buy them a meal and i get so angry i could slap them. i wonder how i feel so differently about almost the same situation. how i am so nice on some days, and how cold i am on most days.i think about other people too, what makes them human. is their humanity the reason they do some things? i wonder how they would explain why they hurt the people they did? i wonder why my friends do the things they do? are they always motivated by some selfish illusion of self-gain, self-preservation maybe? is it safe to trust? really, is it? see, i have long learnt that just as people can be cruel and uncaring, it is the same way they can be loving and concerned. so just when is it safe too see the good in people. when exactly do you cross the line between giving people second chances and just being naive and letting people use you? what exactly is humanity all about?

nights like these i think about religion. is there really some higher power that controls the universe? or is it human beings just evading responsibility for the happenings in their lives? how is it possible to trust your future to an unseen being? how do i hope? you see with the places i have been, hope is just a sure way to get your heart broken. i think about disappointment. how that word does not sound as bad as it feels. how people keep telling me that i should learn to deal with disappointments; because there is nothing that makes me as ballistic as a broken promise or a cancelled date. how i have to remind myself that they say it with the best of intentions because at the back of my mind i cannot help but wonder if it is a way of excusing themselves, for the times they have disappointed me, for the times they will disappoint me. i think about faith; unconditional trust in things unseen. how i find the execution of that word literally impossible. how I’d rather sort out my issues by myself, instead of lying to myself that someone will come through for me. what if they don’t? or maybe it is because i suck at trusting so much i would rather pretend God does not exist. so i just drop the concept of faith all together. its probably how i dealt with biology in high school. i sucked at it so bad, i just dropped it. but then again, there are those days when i realize i cannot explain how i wake up every morning, how i walk to class, how i do the simplest things; like put food into my mouth. and days like those, i am almost convinced it is by faith.and yeah on those days, i will mumble a prayer before a test, not because the exam room is quiet, but because i feel like saying it out loud would be admitting that i am a living paradox. so i usually stop mid-prayer and go like, “really Clarie?”

nights like these i think about love and intimacy. is it possible to find that one person you can be totally vulnerable with? how do you get yourself to a point you can give someone else all you are and feel still comfortable? i think its the equivalent of handing a terrorist a nuclear weapon and trust them not to blow up a building. but people say it is an amazing feeling.plus psychologists keep saying that every human being craves affection. plus i had this teacher who kept saying that need for acceptance is the fourth basic human want. so with that i mind, i think all i want is an intelligent guy with a sense humor. someone i can have a conversation with. how is that so hard to find? come on people, like, how many nineteen year old girls are this realistic and basic? and yeah, nights like these, i literally crave conversation, a good talk with someone. nights like these i wish i had that person who wouldn’t think I’m twisted because i am in love with darkness. someone who wouldn’t think its creepy how i go for walks at one in the morning. how when i am on my roof top at two in the morning just staring at trees and buildings, i get so happy it hurts. but most importantly, that one person who wouldn’t mind when i call them and say nothing. see, my favorite conversations are the silent ones.

nights like these i think about friendships and attachments. how i have very few friends. how the people i trust enough to call friends live so far away. how the people i am attached to live even farther away. how there are days i miss my cousins so much my heart literally aches. nights like these i think of vushya, ryb,esther, kevin, joel, emman. do they miss me as much as i miss them? nights like these i want to call at least one of them and then it hits me, “time difference.” so i check the time and convince myself that it is not too late to call ryb. and thank the Lord, for this guy, how he always answers my calls. how he stays up late to have conversations about nothing with me. how i say the word “nothing” so many times in just one phone call and somehow he doesn’t hang up.how he notices i am crying when i am doing my damnest to be discrete.and if you know how quietly i cry,especially at night, you’d begin to understand how sweet this is. but it is also nights like these that i just lie in my bed and suffocate in this feeling of lonesomeness. nights like these that i cannot bare to text or call anyone because i do not want to look needy or clingy; because i do not want to admit that i could use a friend. you see, that would be against the image i have of myself in my head. that would be so un-clarie. i am supposed to be self-sufficient and independent and as much as i hate to admit it, my pride will be my undoing. and so on other nights, i compromise and text people and have those “hey-how-are-you-doing-how-is-school” type of conversations. and i will lie and say i am great, use a lot of happy emoticons and hope that sounds convincing enough. but it is also on nights like these that i appreciate the people i have met, and hope against hope that some day, i can comfortably call them friends, god knows i want to.i need to.( and yes, i am talking about you judy maina). so maybe someday, i will convince myself to send you that,”hey, are you awake” text at two in the morning, knowing too well that you almost never have your data connection on, and you probably will get it two days later.

nights like these i feel so vulnerable and alone. i end up wondering if there is anyone in the world who is scared to lose me. because a lot of times, it feels like people wouldn’t give a fuck if i just jumped out the window right now. and so i will just go to my roof top again and maybe today, i will wish upon the stars. not because i believe in that shit, but because i am willing to do anything to make my nights less painful, just a little less messed up.and i end up writing posts like these, even though every cell in my being is screaming,”no, do not do it!!” and yeah, i know tomorrow i will read this again and face-palm so hard and go like,”naah, too much information clarie.” and for some seconds, i will consider pulling down this blog. how dare i expose myself to so many strangers?. but, i know i am not the only one who feels like this and so i will just do all of you a favor and voice your pains and desires. and it is nights like these that i listen to christina perri’s,”sad song” so many times i have to force myself to stop by reminding myself that those cumulative distribution function graphs don’t draw themselves. and since they involve derivatives and integrals, i probably should save my sanity for my next calculus class.

From School’s Lectures to Life’s Lessons..

people have a hard time believing i hate school.why? your guess is as good as mine. i like to believe though that it has something to do with the fact that they think i am smart. okay, i am smart(that was my failed attempt at being modest.) and now, i have one more reason to hate school,; i can’t blog as regularly as i would want to, for multiple reasons. two of those reasons would be that i am having a hard time getting actuarial mathematics into my head(again, did i say i am smart?) and that i go to school where the administration would rather invest in anything else but their WI-fi.( read, i am just too lazy to go to school to access WI-fi, so I’d rather just blame the administration. i call it being Kenyan). anyway, school isn’t all bad. for one, its one more post on this awesome blog. so i thought i would do the life lessons that my units have taught me during these few weeks of school.

anyone with the slightest knowledge about probability will tell you that if the probability of an event occurring is zero, then that event is an impossibility. that is what i thought too till this probability and statistics lecture we had some weeks ago.get this, for continuous random variables, having a probability of zero doesn’t always mean that the event represented by the random variable cannot occur. and that got me thinking about the many assignments i did not do just because most people couldn’t get the right answers. and more importantly, how many things i have given up on just because people thought i couldn’t do it. so as trite as this is, i am going to go ahead and say, just because it hasn’t been done, does not mean it cannot be done.

it is a common misconception that calculus is hard.in fact, that is the only thing most people know about calculus.but if there is anything calculus has taught me, it’s that things get easy over time. you just have to stick at it long enough. i remember being a freshman and calculus one was stranger than Greek and all the ancient languages combined. i still do not believe i passed those exams. fast forward to calculus three and i actually look forward to calculus lectures. and at the expense of sounding like a nerd with no life, i am going to say that given the choice between a night out and calculus, i would choose calculus six out of seven of the times.

general insurance has taught me to prioritize. there is just no way i would allocate the same amount of time to calculus or actuarial math and general insurance. this particular lesson is vital to me because i have an especially hard time prioritizing when it comes to people in my life. for a long time now, i have pretended i believe that everyone is equally important. but that was until i had to choose if i would spend thursday night prepping for an actuarial math or general insurance test. i chose general insurance because thursday had been a long day, and i was tired and i was having a hard time concentrating. and when i finally fell asleep, i grudgingly accepted that it is okay to invest more emotion,time, money or whatever i could invest in someone to people who cared enough to do the same for me. that it is okay to severe some relationships, or at least, spend the very least on people who just do not care.

numerical analysis is one depressing lecture. i am usually so exhausted by the time i am out of the lecture hall, i cannot bare the thought of having to walk five minutes to go get something to eat. this is because so much happens in just one lecture, its practically impossible to get it all in. so they just end up jumbled up in my head. and that is life. so much happens, you lose sight of whats important. you are bombarded with pain and joy, freedom and rules, life and death, sometimes you forget what’s what. so here is what i do; a few hours after every numerical analysis lecture, i go through everything again, and it always looks easier to swallow. so maybe I’ll just take a break every once in a while, give my life some breathing space and hope it gets easier to live.

linear algebra has proved to me that i have the resilience and determination to do things that i might think are just beyond me. so this lecture is usually immediately after numerical analysis. a lot of times, i am usually like,”nah, I’ll just go back to the house, crawl in my bed and sleep the day away.” yet week after week,i find myself sitting through a linear algebra lecture, listening to a not so very interesting lecturer, and actually writing readable notes. so i guess the reward comes when people borrow my book and go like,”damn it!how do you write so well?”. and so for the rest of the day, i let those complements just get me through.

computer interactive statistics is my favorite unit. which is ironical because it is usually on a Friday afternoon and i am usually already operating on weekend mode. but this is one lecture that i do not have to worry about how i look. i can burden my small self with a baggy shirt and even baggier shorts and walk into the computer lab looking like i just crawled out of hell and no one tells me shit.and it gets better. the highlight of my afternoon is the coding. i think its sheer pleasure how you write a few lines of codes and the results are just amazing. i adore the way i can create a very detailed graph by just a command. its like a miracle, you know, things just appear.no pressure. and so as my friend put it, “you don’t always need a plan. sometimes you just need to breathe, let go and see what happens.”

and finally, actuarial mathematics has shown me that things get complicated. i remember this one particular lesson feeling like i was drowning in a sea of exponentials, probabilities and rates of mortality.i tried so hard to understand what was going on i ended up thinking about french fries instead. so it was around 8.30 on a Monday morning and all that was going through my head was,”is it too early to eat fries? because fries is all i can think about.” and then went to,” oh god, i am going to die. if i eat fries daily, doesn’t that increase the probability of me dying before my next birthday? if so, what would my rate of mortality be?” but in retrospect, I’d say i was not too far off; i drifted away in context. and so i have learnt to appreciate the simple pleasures of life. like being able to eat french fries with just your hands. so when i finally got to buy fries, i dipped each one in really thick tomato sauce(regardless of the fact that i hate tomatoes and all its products) and relished every moment of it. i just didn’t have the energy or time to get a folk. plus, i figured my life was already complicated.