there are those days i am unable to sleep, like almost all nights. i am beginning to learn that it is impossible to sleep when your brain wanders as far as mine does. so those nights i just lay in bed, and go wherever my mind takes me. and i think, think and think some more until my head hurts and my eyes gets so tired, they begin to cry in protest.
nights like these i think about humanity;my humanity. i think i about those days my heart breaks because of how helpless i feel when i see that infant lying on the street next to his sick mother and i am unable to more than offer the coins in my pockets. and the other days that some kid walks up to me and asks me to buy them a meal and i get so angry i could slap them. i wonder how i feel so differently about almost the same situation. how i am so nice on some days, and how cold i am on most days.i think about other people too, what makes them human. is their humanity the reason they do some things? i wonder how they would explain why they hurt the people they did? i wonder why my friends do the things they do? are they always motivated by some selfish illusion of self-gain, self-preservation maybe? is it safe to trust? really, is it? see, i have long learnt that just as people can be cruel and uncaring, it is the same way they can be loving and concerned. so just when is it safe too see the good in people. when exactly do you cross the line between giving people second chances and just being naive and letting people use you? what exactly is humanity all about?
nights like these i think about religion. is there really some higher power that controls the universe? or is it human beings just evading responsibility for the happenings in their lives? how is it possible to trust your future to an unseen being? how do i hope? you see with the places i have been, hope is just a sure way to get your heart broken. i think about disappointment. how that word does not sound as bad as it feels. how people keep telling me that i should learn to deal with disappointments; because there is nothing that makes me as ballistic as a broken promise or a cancelled date. how i have to remind myself that they say it with the best of intentions because at the back of my mind i cannot help but wonder if it is a way of excusing themselves, for the times they have disappointed me, for the times they will disappoint me. i think about faith; unconditional trust in things unseen. how i find the execution of that word literally impossible. how I’d rather sort out my issues by myself, instead of lying to myself that someone will come through for me. what if they don’t? or maybe it is because i suck at trusting so much i would rather pretend God does not exist. so i just drop the concept of faith all together. its probably how i dealt with biology in high school. i sucked at it so bad, i just dropped it. but then again, there are those days when i realize i cannot explain how i wake up every morning, how i walk to class, how i do the simplest things; like put food into my mouth. and days like those, i am almost convinced it is by faith.and yeah on those days, i will mumble a prayer before a test, not because the exam room is quiet, but because i feel like saying it out loud would be admitting that i am a living paradox. so i usually stop mid-prayer and go like, “really Clarie?”
nights like these i think about love and intimacy. is it possible to find that one person you can be totally vulnerable with? how do you get yourself to a point you can give someone else all you are and feel still comfortable? i think its the equivalent of handing a terrorist a nuclear weapon and trust them not to blow up a building. but people say it is an amazing feeling.plus psychologists keep saying that every human being craves affection. plus i had this teacher who kept saying that need for acceptance is the fourth basic human want. so with that i mind, i think all i want is an intelligent guy with a sense humor. someone i can have a conversation with. how is that so hard to find? come on people, like, how many nineteen year old girls are this realistic and basic? and yeah, nights like these, i literally crave conversation, a good talk with someone. nights like these i wish i had that person who wouldn’t think I’m twisted because i am in love with darkness. someone who wouldn’t think its creepy how i go for walks at one in the morning. how when i am on my roof top at two in the morning just staring at trees and buildings, i get so happy it hurts. but most importantly, that one person who wouldn’t mind when i call them and say nothing. see, my favorite conversations are the silent ones.
nights like these i think about friendships and attachments. how i have very few friends. how the people i trust enough to call friends live so far away. how the people i am attached to live even farther away. how there are days i miss my cousins so much my heart literally aches. nights like these i think of vushya, ryb,esther, kevin, joel, emman. do they miss me as much as i miss them? nights like these i want to call at least one of them and then it hits me, “time difference.” so i check the time and convince myself that it is not too late to call ryb. and thank the Lord, for this guy, how he always answers my calls. how he stays up late to have conversations about nothing with me. how i say the word “nothing” so many times in just one phone call and somehow he doesn’t hang up.how he notices i am crying when i am doing my damnest to be discrete.and if you know how quietly i cry,especially at night, you’d begin to understand how sweet this is. but it is also nights like these that i just lie in my bed and suffocate in this feeling of lonesomeness. nights like these that i cannot bare to text or call anyone because i do not want to look needy or clingy; because i do not want to admit that i could use a friend. you see, that would be against the image i have of myself in my head. that would be so un-clarie. i am supposed to be self-sufficient and independent and as much as i hate to admit it, my pride will be my undoing. and so on other nights, i compromise and text people and have those “hey-how-are-you-doing-how-is-school” type of conversations. and i will lie and say i am great, use a lot of happy emoticons and hope that sounds convincing enough. but it is also on nights like these that i appreciate the people i have met, and hope against hope that some day, i can comfortably call them friends, god knows i want to.i need to.( and yes, i am talking about you judy maina). so maybe someday, i will convince myself to send you that,”hey, are you awake” text at two in the morning, knowing too well that you almost never have your data connection on, and you probably will get it two days later.
nights like these i feel so vulnerable and alone. i end up wondering if there is anyone in the world who is scared to lose me. because a lot of times, it feels like people wouldn’t give a fuck if i just jumped out the window right now. and so i will just go to my roof top again and maybe today, i will wish upon the stars. not because i believe in that shit, but because i am willing to do anything to make my nights less painful, just a little less messed up.and i end up writing posts like these, even though every cell in my being is screaming,”no, do not do it!!” and yeah, i know tomorrow i will read this again and face-palm so hard and go like,”naah, too much information clarie.” and for some seconds, i will consider pulling down this blog. how dare i expose myself to so many strangers?. but, i know i am not the only one who feels like this and so i will just do all of you a favor and voice your pains and desires. and it is nights like these that i listen to christina perri’s,”sad song” so many times i have to force myself to stop by reminding myself that those cumulative distribution function graphs don’t draw themselves. and since they involve derivatives and integrals, i probably should save my sanity for my next calculus class.