Shadow of my footprints

So sometime back, my sister asked me if I have ever been heart-broken. I said no. this is for two reasons. First, I do not like admitting, even to myself, that I have been heartbroken. Some part of me desperately wants to believe that I am not that emotionally pathetic.(I mean, hearts don’t really break. Come on people.) But the main reason why I denied it is; I have this theory that my sister’s fate is connected to mine. Like she is the shadow of my footprints. I keep thinking that she will walk the paths I regret walking, pay for my mistakes, that she will feel my pain. And god knows, I would do anything to shield her from pain. Even her own. So I convinced myself that if she never knows my problems, that maybe she will have easier relationships. I know it doesn’t work that way, it’s just easier to swallow.

And today, I was thinking about my sister. She has grown up so fast. In my head, she is still the seven year old that got so jealous and insecure when my other sister was born. I cannot believe she is turning seventeen. Hell, I do not believe it when we are walking down the street and men turn to stare. I do not believe that there are phone calls that she cannot answer when I am in the room. And I know one of those people on the other side of the line will one day convince her inexperienced heart that they love her. And yeah, that scares the hell out of me. And while there is nothing much I can do about it, I am just going to write the answer I was too immature to give her then.

So yes, I have been heart-broken. And it sucks a whole lot. And it just keeps sucking for a while. And I know this, because I have endured a lot of pain. And I won’t lie, there is nothing more disorienting than knowing that no matter how good you were, you just were never good enough for someone else. There is nothing more humiliating than missing someone who doesn’t even think of you. There is nothing as helpless as walking up every morning thinking about someone who know too well doesn’t deserve it. Hell, it hurts not to be over someone. And I would like to tell you that I found a way to make the pain go away, but I did not. All I know, which is very little, is that you just have to stay alive. Keep missing them till you don’t. Because this I can promise you, one day you going to wake up and realize you don’t miss them. It might take a day, a month or a year, but it will happen. You just have to get there. Because it is one of the best feelings.

Meanwhile, I am going to be here for you. And yes, I am not very good at expressing emotion, but if you ever want to talk, or just cry, I promise to sit and listen. And even better, rack my brains till I find something mildly comforting to say. And should I ever run out of words, which I most definitely will, I promise to eat cake with you and see how much of that pain we can make sweet. I promise to eat as much ice cream as I can tolerate even if it is just to pretend that we are freezing your pain. And that still doesn’t work out, we will try and see how many shots of vodka could drown your pain away, even if it just for a night. (Just do not tell mum I said that.) But if I am ever unable to do this for you, please promise me you will stay alive.

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