i  am having a bad day. So I am just going to blog about it (well, not really.) I am just looking to distract myself. There is something immensely therapeutic about pouring out your heart to strangers, no? truth be told, I have no idea what this post is going to be about, so I am just going to keep typing; because that is going to give my brain something else to  concentrate on, and that way I won’t end up crying. I think that is all I ever do these days; distract myself. See, my greatest problem is that I have a brain that fixates on all things negative. And believe me, I have been trying this “have-a-positive-attitude” concept and let’s just say, my brain is yet to get the hang of it.  So I thought I would find a way around it. And that way is distracting myself; not thinking about those things. I would say it is working. I fall asleep relatively easy these past few weeks. All I have to do is put my headphones on and pretend music is the only thing that matters. Simply put, I refuse to think.
Of course there are days that I cannot use my headphones. And so those times, I look for something else to do. I play a lot of phone-games. Which is funny, because I hate those things. I am anything but the gaming type. Only, I figure I do not have any other options so I keep playing, till my finger-tips hurt, till my head aches, till my eyes hurt, till my phone goes off. On most days, I am fairly sleepy at this point. On other days, I am not. And so on those days, I just keep my eyes tightly shut, as if to lock my thoughts out. To prevent those memories from crawling back in through the cracks in my mind. That works too, in as much as I wake up most mornings with an intense pain in my eyes. But that is okay, I am good with pain. Plus, it only lasts till I take a shower.
And then there are those nights; when no form of distraction works. And all I can do is obsess about the tiniest of things. Nights like those I will check to see if I have locked the door up to ten times. I will set my alarm at the wrong time just so I get to reset it.  And even then, I will keep checking to see if I have set it. And then I start listening to the silence. And then I go to counting the seconds till the next drunk guy knocks at the gate, till morning. And so I count the seconds till I fall asleep. That is how much I distract myself. And you know why that is? Because it is easier than laying in my bed and trying to find the answers to the questions that are constantly whirling in my head. Because it is easier to ignore my doubts and what if’s. Because I would rather spend my nights obsessing about the seconds than spend it trying to answer this one question, “what if?”