So blood is thicker than water. Growing up, I thought there was something wrong with this saying. It just never felt right. I think a part of me always knew that family is not always better than friendships. That family doesn’t always come first. My only problem was I had no way of convincing anyone that this saying isn’t very accurate. But that was until a few days ago. Turns out the complete version of this saying is “blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” Ha. Now how is that? (I have to say though, I am fighting the urge to say, “Suck it bitches!”) So it turns out, this saying actually means that relationships born out of choice are better than the ones born out of biology. Fascinating, huh? So this took me back to a conversation I had with my friend some time last year after I had a written this blog post. (Nights like these.) I was basically talking about how sometimes I feel alone and how I obsess over this feeling and how it was kind of making me miserable. So here is what she told me;
“You aren’t going to sit and wait, you don’t do that, you are going to think about it multiple times and when your brain can’t take it anymore you are going to break down again! I can’t stop you from thinking that’s what makes you but sometimes can you take a break and just breathe…. Making new friends is an art difficult to applicate at an older age, the right people will sorta come your way if YOU allow it, of course not immediately (nothing comes easy) but with time. Sometimes we have to stop battling our families and accept and understand and when they really piss you off remember you’ve got your other family, a family you selected yourself. About “far away” sisters and friends….. It’s exactly that “far away” the “friends” and “sisters” remain. About this lonesomeness and emptiness that’s on you, fight your demons and insecurities, be FINE with being with yourself, you might think otherwise because you are a loner but girl you ain’t comfortable with you own company, most of the time you are alone you rack your brain, torture yourself with painful thoughts, dig out traumatic memories, revisit scarcely healed scars. You have to make peace with the self, BREATHE, and let go of some things that you cannot control. But please do continue with your thinking just don’t bleed and go to war while at it. (Oh Lord, mmh.)”
And I knew, I had to save this text. Partly because I am the kind of person that stores weird things. I will lose gifts and souvenirs but remember the conversations we had word for word. And the other reason would be because this text got me through some tough weeks. And I think it has become a habit. When I begin to overthink things, or get unnecessarily emotional about something trivial, it reminds me that I am okay. That I will be okay. So what is my point? I honestly don’t really know. But this much I know, Vushya has been there for me in ways that my family could never have been. And I have told her things I thought I would take to my grave. And in her own little way, she has been my family. And that means the world to me. Which reminds me, a few months back, I watched “the fault in our stars.” My roommates and I cried so hard, our eyes were swollen the next morning. And if I took anything from this movie, it is that it doesn’t matter how many people love you. All that matters is how deeply the ones that love you do. And I think I have found that. It may not always feel like it, but I know I do. And I couldn’t be more grateful.